Much of this blog has been about catharsis for me. Putting my thoughts down gives me the lens of objectivity and this helps me a lot. So here is my note on one of the most important decisions of my life.
I never thought in my growing up years, that I would need a phrase as belligerent (that's what I thought it was) as this in my life - 'choosing my battles'. I wondered why I would choose a battle at all. Am I not supposed to choose happy, fun events? Then, life took over and taught me how essential this phrase was if I wanted to be happy. The whole thing reads like a lengthy oxymoron, right? 'Choose your battles so you can be happy'. But that's exactly what happened.
Earlier this year, I chose to end my 2-year marriage. This experience taught me some very valuable lessons.
I - If you are a woman, getting married in India, more specifically in a Tam-Bram set up (as I was reminded during some heated conversations), you must know that you are, most often, not being dealt a fair game. Some people do us the favour of telling this to us straight to our faces. You may be as kind, as intelligent, as smart, as wise, as well-brought up, have as much love from your parents, have as many dreams and opinions as the guy does, but you're not equal. All this, simply because you're a woman. From the word 'go', this is thrown at your face. Now, to be okay with such a moronic set-up, you'd better be bloody happy about every other aspect of your marriage. Or at least the most important things, like the values you and the guy share, the things you are committed to, the people and things that matter and that don't, and especially, how you communicate. If this is not so and does not look like it can ever be so, and you are a sane human being, expecting to be treated fairly, it is okay to step out of the relationship.
II - I am extremely grateful for the way I have grown up. As we become individuals in our own right, are we able to share opinions with our own people, irrespective of age or relation, especially for the important things? This is 'growing up' for me. I am so thankful to my parents and my elder sister for letting me become this individual, without stifling me in the name of love, authority or the famous 'I'm right because I am older'. I realised how much I value this freedom to be myself when it was tested in the last couple of years.
III - Having an honest, good, sincere motivation for an uncomfortable situation helps us get through it. Going into the divorce procedure, I only wanted peace of mind and a chance at a happier life, for both of us. I think the Universe sensed this and helped us get out of a relationship that was getting more toxic by the day.
IV - You can have a divorce and be civil about it, if everyone concerned wants the same. I know quite a few people who went or are going through very messy divorces. I shudder to think of the public mud-slinging that is done, and the peace of mind, time and money that is lost as collateral damage. I am so so grateful to my family, my ex-husband and his family, for getting this done without causing further harm to ourselves. It helped that I wanted nothing from the marriage, except what I took into it. It was professional (we had a great lawyer), civil and cordial (at least, as cordial as it could be).
V - The 4-people syndrome (in Tamil, 'Naalu peru yenna solluva?' - loosely translated to 'What will others think?') actually has no weight at all. All the people I spoke to, conveying the news of the marriage ending, had only consoling words for me. A couple of them asked if I wanted to reconsider, but when I explained myself, they understood. There was very less 'judging' (not that I would have given two hoots about it). In fact, one of my well-wishers actually asked me what learning he could take from this experience, as a parent, and ensure his son is not in a similar situation ever. I think if we are ever worried about societal stigma for something like this, we need to remember these words: The ones who matter get it. The ones, who don't get it, don't matter.
VI - I understand my own values better. The last couple of years made me realise the importance I attach to honesty. Brutal honesty, if you may. I can't brush things under the carpet; not the things that matter. I need passion in everything I do. The 'why's and the 'how's matter more than I thought they do. The principle behind things means a lot. I speak plainly. I ask questions. I stand up for myself. I value courtesy and respect, towards strangers too. I am okay with being vulnerable, but I also know I have the strength within me to fight for what I think is right. I value the macro picture. I also value the fact that God is in the details. I am not as vain as I think I am. :) Never before have so many lessons presented themselves to me, as the last two years did. The struggle was completely worth it.
VII - I understand that what is 'right' is subjective, more often than not. What is right for me, what works for me may not work for another person. Looking back at the past two years, I see a lot of situations where I felt conflicted with others. But now, I also see that each of us had our motivations to be the person we chose to be. Which is why it is crucial that what is important to me concurs with what is important to people I need to be with. It does not make sense for two people wanting different things in life to be together, because this means different things will be non-negotiable for them. Different things are going to be 'right' for them. This is overall, a simple explanation for everything that hurt all of us in the marriage, the last two years.
VIII - Choose your battles! Know your non-negotiables and be firm about them. Know what makes you happy and keep that always in sight. Never, ever be afraid to let go of something familiar but unpleasant, wondering if the new will be better or maybe just worse. You will not know if you do not try.
And then there are these lovely words from Eric Hanson, which got me through some of my toughest days:
"There is a freedom waiting for you,
on the breezes of the sky,
and you ask, "What if I fall?"
Oh but darling,
What if you fly?"
Comments